Not Being Fully Understood
If you don’t live in America, you might not know the amplified emotions you feel in here now. I, as a first generation immigrant from Japan, it is powerful yet confusing. I, a spirit being who want to emphasize on healing for all souls want to play a great part of this evolution. I hope we’re evolving. Sometimes it’s hard when you hear people say something but you see them not walking their talk. I feel I’m too trusting and every time I do, I feel hurt.
Sometimes, talking to someone who hasn’t been through what you have is really frustrating. It tests my patience big time. But if I really want to be the change I want to see, I have to keep staying on my ground patiently and keep working at what you hope to change. I’m writing to a lot of people these days. I feel like I need to precisely explain but then I feel like, isn’t it their job also to chime in and meet me halfway?
Below, I expressed how I felt being advised on what I wasn’t even talking about. This person is a third party. Some people have a nerve to solicit in your space. While it seems like I was being acknowledged, I still sensed not being fully understood. It is hard when two well intended people have a talk in regards to acceptance, yet you sense something... the sense of not being fully understood. I don't want to come to a conclusion yet but I found that not everybody understands what it's like to be marginalized. For those marginalized group of people, they were not given opportunities to stand up for themselves, their voices are not always being heard. So for you, usually nice well intended "White folks" to come to me and say I should stand up for myself even in the unsafe environment, aka fully white privileged environment is not really compassion. It is your ignorance and negligence of what the white supremacy based society has created on this Earth. With all the well educated upbringings, shouldn't you have known better???
...... I was initially thinking about messaging to “her” (someone both of us know but not the third party I mentioned above) as well, but I didn’t want it to be a “big deal.”
I think my issue here is also my own self-worth. Upbringing in Japan, living in the US as an immigrant, not having been heard when needed but when speaking out, not much responses from the significant people. Or getting backlashes. All these past experiences plus what’s going on and how I’m currently feeling made me send you the message I sent. Not an excuse. But I just analyzed it so that maybe it makes sense to you more. I always think about what my blend can make other people feel, react, think etc... This past few years, Americans being loud on anti-immigrants. It is very sad. Even though I’m paying taxes just like anybody else, it has been a chip on my shoulder when different groups of people give me a certain look or look away when I’m smiling, or not taking seriously at work over discriminatory issues. Right now, this Black Lives Matter is powerful yet confusing. For an Asian immigrant who’s heard about Chinese immigrants being forced out of this area a hundred years ago due to their race doesn’t give me any permission to feel worthy for being who I am. So please know, this is where I’m coming from. Just because I’m angry about America right now doesn’t mean I want to act like that to everyone who doesn’t deserve to be getting my sparking anger. I’m confused about people who play games and don’t usually want to be involved. I might not want to speak out until I was given an opportunity to in a proper manner because I don’t know if I’m being accepted in this community when someone keeps replying back to me with irrelevant responses. I wasn’t sure if you were behind it or not. Why would I think so? Because I wasn’t too sure about where America stands now. So asking you to post on behalf of me might be, I thought, the best answer.
I want to know where you guys stand and where I come in. I’m overly respectful because I don’t want to cross anybody’s line. Yet I don’t know where exactly the line is sometimes, so I might still step on. Have you had an experience feeling so an outsider in a group because you are too new to trust anybody? I think that’s what I’m going through within your community and I’m not clear and am confused when someone is constantly replying me with irrelevant answers. Is it a subliminal message saying to me to leave or not to talk about what I was? Or a strange way of welcoming me?
It takes courage to show up when things in America are racially segregated. Politically divided. I just hope you know where my asking you to post my thing came from.
